Dreams and desires...
I'm writing this after an eternity. I always wanted to write but as usual procrastinated. Finally, today after having a sleepless night(it sounds dramatic i know) and retreiving my password for my blogger a/c, I'm here.
I have had a hell of a roller coaster ride in my life in last one year. Really don't want to talk about all that right now. May be, some other time.
I have been jobless lately, though officially, thats been my designation since August,2006. I have been doing a lot of thinking, introspection as they call it. I ask a lot of questions to myself, lots believe me, and then start looking for answers. It is always me, alone, out on a new journey, everytime I do that. I guess, that is why I ended up here, to vent out what I don't want to share with anyone.
My life has been confusing. This is what my "about me" on Orkut was in April 2006:
"i 'm lost in my life.. just dunno wats happening... nuthingz in my control.. feels like i hv become a puppet... nothingz going my way..
ppl say "lifez like tht"...
but who'll show me the way..
i always thought my life wud be better.. i hv done everything rite.. got gud grades in school.. did BE.. found a job.. but wat now??..
realised this isnt for me..
this isnt wat i want..
which path do i take now??
i doubt myself if i can pick the right one....
is it only me whoz going thru this phase of life...??..
or is it every1 arnd us???...
think abt it!"
But today, since that time, I think I'm still standing at a crossroad, though a different one.
Is this what life is all about?? Making decisions which we don't know whether they are the right ones. I have been playing spider solitaire recently and I'm addicted to it. Whenever I do something wrong, I just press Cntrl Z. It takes me back to the previous state. I wish there was a key or a mantra in our lives to annul some decisions we made in the past. Sometimes it is so hard to face the failures in life. Yes, they do make us strong. But only when we have gone through the lean period. Sometimes when I see people who got more than they deserved, I get angry, frustrated and feel helpless not because others got it, but because I wish I knew why I didnt deserve it.
My father believes in karma. He believes in makhtoob. "Its all written". He told me that this is what was meant to be. There is something much better in store for me. Everyone told me that. May be i don't understand that right now because I'm stuck in it. I'm in middle of the ocean, on a raft, fighting against the huge waves, desperately looking for an island, where life is all green.
I'm tired now. Life isn't like what I want. I also have some dreams. And one day I also want to live them like I see others living theirs. Give me some strength and direction to go through this lean period so that I come out strong.
Amen!!
I have had a hell of a roller coaster ride in my life in last one year. Really don't want to talk about all that right now. May be, some other time.
I have been jobless lately, though officially, thats been my designation since August,2006. I have been doing a lot of thinking, introspection as they call it. I ask a lot of questions to myself, lots believe me, and then start looking for answers. It is always me, alone, out on a new journey, everytime I do that. I guess, that is why I ended up here, to vent out what I don't want to share with anyone.
My life has been confusing. This is what my "about me" on Orkut was in April 2006:
"i 'm lost in my life.. just dunno wats happening... nuthingz in my control.. feels like i hv become a puppet... nothingz going my way..
ppl say "lifez like tht"...
but who'll show me the way..
i always thought my life wud be better.. i hv done everything rite.. got gud grades in school.. did BE.. found a job.. but wat now??..
realised this isnt for me..
this isnt wat i want..
which path do i take now??
i doubt myself if i can pick the right one....
is it only me whoz going thru this phase of life...??..
or is it every1 arnd us???...
think abt it!"
But today, since that time, I think I'm still standing at a crossroad, though a different one.
Is this what life is all about?? Making decisions which we don't know whether they are the right ones. I have been playing spider solitaire recently and I'm addicted to it. Whenever I do something wrong, I just press Cntrl Z. It takes me back to the previous state. I wish there was a key or a mantra in our lives to annul some decisions we made in the past. Sometimes it is so hard to face the failures in life. Yes, they do make us strong. But only when we have gone through the lean period. Sometimes when I see people who got more than they deserved, I get angry, frustrated and feel helpless not because others got it, but because I wish I knew why I didnt deserve it.
My father believes in karma. He believes in makhtoob. "Its all written". He told me that this is what was meant to be. There is something much better in store for me. Everyone told me that. May be i don't understand that right now because I'm stuck in it. I'm in middle of the ocean, on a raft, fighting against the huge waves, desperately looking for an island, where life is all green.
I'm tired now. Life isn't like what I want. I also have some dreams. And one day I also want to live them like I see others living theirs. Give me some strength and direction to go through this lean period so that I come out strong.
Amen!!
posted by Sam | 7:35 AM
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4 comments
