Love

...watched a movie called "Cashback"... very slow... different... perception of what beauty is...
it ended with these few lines....

"...once upon a time I wanted to know what love was... love is there if you want it to be.. you just have to see that it is wrapped in beauty and hidden away between the seconds of your life.
If you don't stop for a minute, you might miss it!"

Just wanted to share these lines with who ever reads it.

Promises are meant to be broken

Is life complicated or the way we think and take it along makes it tht way??.. or is tht life all abt??
Sometimes u wish life could be simpler and u could breathe easy... but as u solve one problem of ur life, another crops up.
I guess I have a special knack for tripping and falling into complicated situations where it gets messy by the time i'm out of it!! Every time i'm out, i promise myself to steer away from it, n suddenly i realise i have already taken a few steps to fall into the next one...
Today, again i make a promise to keep myself away from all these things- till i break it!!

Alone!!

I have never felt so lonely in my life!!! I have people around me all the time in my college but still i don't feel at home.. Like my four years in engg college was an important phase which brought a huge change in me and my perspective... looks like my time in the mba school has been and will be the second phase which will change me... Yes, I'll become a manager.. but who cares.. we have enough already!
Since a last few weeks, I have tried to understand myself.. my behaviour pattern... Why I act in certain ways... Its like I have joined a rehabilitation center where I have to curb my natural instincts because its wrong... I can understand how an addicted smoker feels when he/she tries to give it up!! Well if you thinking what my addiction is, either you can guess or you have to read the entire post and find if i have written it.
Coming back to my loneliness, the reason behind it is my incapability to share with someone what I have learnt about myself.. It feels like u r in a matrix where everything around is fake and has been created to dupe you... to make you feel worse.. its like standing at the crossing of the busiest street in the city at the peak hour and people passing by, some brushing past with a smile and some with a scorn on their fresh faces... but you don't know what the hell are you doing there because you don't know anyone out there!
I have retreated into my cocoon, thats my room... where i have my loneliness as my companion( main aur meri tanhai ).. but I enjoy this... It helps me get away from all the chaos and noise around me... the worst thing is my mood is controlled by my feelings and i cant fake it...
I am tired now... tired of myself... I want to change myself... I desperately need to.. and i'm looking for something now.. i need to rekindle certain things within me.. coz without them i have become a robot!

Dreams and desires...

I'm writing this after an eternity. I always wanted to write but as usual procrastinated. Finally, today after having a sleepless night(it sounds dramatic i know) and retreiving my password for my blogger a/c, I'm here.
I have had a hell of a roller coaster ride in my life in last one year. Really don't want to talk about all that right now. May be, some other time.
I have been jobless lately, though officially, thats been my designation since August,2006. I have been doing a lot of thinking, introspection as they call it. I ask a lot of questions to myself, lots believe me, and then start looking for answers. It is always me, alone, out on a new journey, everytime I do that. I guess, that is why I ended up here, to vent out what I don't want to share with anyone.
My life has been confusing. This is what my "about me" on Orkut was in April 2006:

"i 'm lost in my life.. just dunno wats happening... nuthingz in my control.. feels like i hv become a puppet... nothingz going my way..
ppl say "lifez like tht"...
but who'll show me the way..
i always thought my life wud be better.. i hv done everything rite.. got gud grades in school.. did BE.. found a job.. but wat now??..
realised this isnt for me..
this isnt wat i want..
which path do i take now??
i doubt myself if i can pick the right one....
is it only me whoz going thru this phase of life...??..
or is it every1 arnd us???...
think abt it!"

But today, since that time, I think I'm still standing at a crossroad, though a different one.
Is this what life is all about?? Making decisions which we don't know whether they are the right ones. I have been playing spider solitaire recently and I'm addicted to it. Whenever I do something wrong, I just press Cntrl Z. It takes me back to the previous state. I wish there was a key or a mantra in our lives to annul some decisions we made in the past. Sometimes it is so hard to face the failures in life. Yes, they do make us strong. But only when we have gone through the lean period. Sometimes when I see people who got more than they deserved, I get angry, frustrated and feel helpless not because others got it, but because I wish I knew why I didnt deserve it.
My father believes in karma. He believes in makhtoob. "Its all written". He told me that this is what was meant to be. There is something much better in store for me. Everyone told me that. May be i don't understand that right now because I'm stuck in it. I'm in middle of the ocean, on a raft, fighting against the huge waves, desperately looking for an island, where life is all green.
I'm tired now. Life isn't like what I want. I also have some dreams. And one day I also want to live them like I see others living theirs. Give me some strength and direction to go through this lean period so that I come out strong.
Amen!!

Bus travel

Like every monday, I was waiting for the bus to office. Many of us get on the bus from that stop. Most of them are regular, some are "not so regular" ones and a couple of new faces. Then i saw a lady waiting....i have her seen a few times before. But this time there was something different about her. i realised she is pregnant. Dont remember something like this.. but i guess it has just started to "show out". suddenly she seemed so beautiful to me...motherhood does make one a beautiful woman!!..doesnt it??... i was smiling.. as if my day has been made... unconsciously i was observing her... calm..serene...all the chaos around seem to fade away... she kept one of her hands just below her stomach... have always seen pregnant women doing so.. dunno why.. but i guess either to support herself... or may be this way she can feel her child...be closer to it at every moment.. u never know when the child might kick for the first time...the sign of life.. a new life...their life...the first and one of the most overwhelming moments in the parents' life.
Suddenly the bus' honking brought me back from the world of my thoughts. since ours is the last stop the bus is almost full.. except for a couple of seats. the bus stopped a little away from its regular place. all the people started running towards the bus but i saw the lady couldnt. immediately i went and was walking behind her so that no one pushes her. As we stood to get into the bus.. she saw it was already overcrowded. so she turned around and asked, "is there any bus after this?", i answered,"No". she had no other alternative but to get in this bus. she went and stood in front of the row where three girls were sitting. they saw her but no one moved from their seats.as the bus moved they closed their eyes. i was shocked!! who else but a woman can understand her situation better. she started to look around for some help but she didnt know whom to ask for. i was already irritated.. so i said, " ask one of the girls to get up". she looked at them and with a helpless smile on her face she answered, " they are sleeping". i replied, " but ur need is more important than theirs". on the other side, there were two guys sitting. immeditely i asked one of them,"Can you please vacate the seat for her?". the guy obliged and let the lady sit. she smiled at me..."thanx", i assumed. i smiled back.."u r always welcome", i meant.
One thing i noticed was.. she covered herself completely with her dupatta...i guess to protect her unborn child from "buri nazar".. so much like a mother i thought... may be its so obvious for us...we have been seeing it all our lives... but when you come to think of it... its the law of nature....a bird protect its hatchling..a doe protects it fawn...an elephant protects its calf...from any potential danger!
The bus ride was rough...the potholes..the speed breakers.... and the lady was trying hard to keep herself stable...her eyes were so tired.. she needed the much deserved sleep...just wished i could do something for her.Her eyelids couldnt take the burden for long...finally they came down slowly covering her eyes... she was sleeping..the body moving in rhythm with the bus... as i watched her.. i pondered about the fact that the period for which she carries her baby.. nine months... seemed eternity to me...had goosebumps all over me...what would this child mean to her.. her life.. i guess more than that.. it is just so tough for me to put in words... thoughts of my sister flooded my mind.. she had a miscarriage a few months back... i was blank.. never thought so seriously about it... never realised what it meant to her... what that instantaneous abortion could do to her...physically and mentally... though kept myself updated about her physical health... but i realised that wasnt enough.. she is thousands of kilometers away from me...want to hug her and take all her sorrows away...
While I was entwined in my thoughts, the bus had reached the office. I saw the lady..she was rubbing her eyes...i murmured.."May God bless you and ur child!"...As i got down from the bus, looked at her and said, "take care ma'm". and i walked away from there with a smile on my face.